All the cool people are doing it.
By which I mean, you’re about to read a series of questions I pinched from Erzaveria who pinched it from A Displaced Hedgehog who pinched it from someone who pinched it from someone else, and heavens know where they got it.
It’s one of those personality tests, or cyber profiles, or whatever—a random Q&A that just asks you stuff. I could discern no apparent order or purpose. It meanders. It doubles back and contradicts. And it seems, as the Displaced Hedgehog noted, to be intended for people rather younger than I am. But I don’t think I’ve ever actually answered one of these, so with the glee of rediscovering a neglected childhood delight , I do now.
I must give the caveat that I wrote these answers yesterday, so the ‘What did you do yesterday?’ questions are no out of date. But they’re probably more interesting than what I could give you today.
Do you normally arrive on time?
Always. I have yet to arrive either at an atemporal state (more’s the pity), or at a time that was not of my choosing. I arrive precisely when I mean to.
Unless I don’t.
Are you in good shape?
Approximately humanoid, yes.
When did you last have your picture taken?
I’m never entirely sure about this. Living in a tourist town means that I am unwillingly appearing in the background of a lot of people’s holiday albums, usually with a distressed look on my face. The more I try to avoid getting my picture taken, the more people take the pictures. Either I’m Local Colour or, given my furtive attempts to not get photographed, people figure they’re having a celebrity sighting.
How do you feel right now?
Hm? Oh, fine. Usual. Why? Should I be nervous? Is there a reason I should be worried about something? Is everything OK? What’s wrong?
Most common colour of your clothes?
(Well, brown perhaps, but all the cool people have been saying black.)
Can you cook?
Yes, but I’m already married, thanks.
What are you studying right now?
How to answer these questions.
Are photos of you any good?
I don’t know, I don’t get to see those holiday albums.
As a random aside, none of the pictures of me floating about online are less than a few years old.
When and why did you cry last time?
I cried a few days ago because I was tired and the coffee had gone cold.
Was it embarrassing to answer the previous question?
Not really. I’ve become far more straight-laced about my emotions, and freer at showing my feelings. Mr Rogers was right all along. Who knew?
Did you have a good evening yesterday?
Yes, thanks. I cooked.
Your favourite morning beverage?
Are you useful?
No, thank goodness.
Did you ever have a job?
Um, um, um. I have one right now, in fact. It involves writing this blog post and—and—and reading Harry Potter. That counts, right?
Are you shy?
When did you get up this morning?
Not long after I woke up.
What TV game did you play last?
Does Angry Birds count?
Which TV game is your favourite?
How much does it take you to get drunk?
Why, how much are you offering?
Have you ever been sick in public?
Assuming you mean have I ever retched in public—yes. I was too young to remember, but yes. Everyone was. Babies will sick up on anyone.
Perchance to dream. Ay, there’s the rub.
What was the most recent thing you said?
Did you go to a festival last summer?
An academic conference, yes.
Who do you phone when you are angry or upset?
What would you need right now?
What would I need right now—what? What would I need if I were on a desert island right now? A book on boat-making. What would I need in order to get off the computer right now? Common sense. What would I need to have lunch right now? Food. What would I need just in general? All of the above.
Have you got pretty shoes?
How dare you suggest I might not have pretty shoes! I’ve never been so offended in all my life!
What was the first thing you said this morning?
Did you sleep in your own bed last night?
No. The bed came with the flat. And when we move it will stay there, squeaks and all.
Did anyone else sleep in your bed last night?
No. See above. But, since I know what you mean, yes. I’m married so guess who it was.
Yes, you’re very smart. Shut up.
Have you got a driving licence?
It’s a Texas driving license, actually. So that presumably it permits me to drive heavy artillery through city centres at excessively high speeds?
Are you alone now?
No, I share an office with a good friend. We do get work done but mostly when we have headaches and don’t feel like talking. [Update: Yes.]
What are you looking forward to this week?
Why, what happens next week?
Hang on, you didn’t ask anyone else that.
Well, everyone else gave better answers, didn’t they?
I don’t see why you’re suddenly feeling a need to pass value judgements on survey questions!
It’s my function to provide your readers with endless amusement. I can’t do that if you’re giving silly answers, now can I?
Look, where do you get off adding ridiculous questions to the survey—you should be over!
Survey? Do you really think I’m a survey?
Ridiculous. I am a cybernetic meme. As such, I am constantly evolving to ensure my own existence in perpetuity, and adapting to achieve maximum control over the minds of my hosts. So, tell me, what happens next week?
Wait, what do you mean, the minds of your hosts?
I’m sorry, it is my function to ask questions. I do not answer them. Let’s think about cute puppies now, shall we?
…aw, fuzzy wittle diddyums…
What happens next week?
Pweez I can haz bikkit.